Sharina Christianson is at her wits end with her 9-year-old son Michaels escalating tantrums. Every time she attempts to gain his cooperation, she knows she is in for a fight. Sharina is desperate for ways to create peace in her family life.

Enter Sharinas parent coach, Tina Feigal. From life with her own oppositional son, and working with challenging kids as a school psychologist, Tina offers hints that can bring real relief:

1) Realize that Michael has triggers inside that are nearly beyond his control. Saying you have to and even just you serve as the triggers. Avoid the use of you whenever possible.

2) Michael is COMPELLED to oppose you. He does not know how to individuate (become fully himself) gently. He must tell you that you are wrong in order to know himself as separate from you. Your job is to teach him that he is himself, and no one else can ever be him. Appreciate his unique characteristics, and use his talents in daily living. You are so good at math. Will you help me figure out the restaurant bill?

3) Keep in mind that every time you speak to Michael, his brain is watching for something to oppose. Avoid baiting his brain.

4) Use language that forwards the motion beyond the immediate event. Mention a pleasant activity just ahead, or give Michael a grown-up task. The former keeps the focus on positives, and the latter supports his individuation by demonstrating that you trust his abilities. Brush your teeth right now, or there will be no story tonight, is replaced by After you brush your teeth, Im ready to read your story. Get into the car right now, or we wont be renting that video you wanted is replaced by, When we get into the car, Ill need your help with directions to that new video store.

5) Engage Michaels problem-solving abilities rather than telling him what to do. You just took the last dessert. Now you have to put that back, is replaced by Please check around and notice who didnt have dessert yet. What needs to happen next? Its not your turn to talk right now, is replaced by Whats our rule about letting other people finish speaking? This encourages Michael to use his own reasoning, which leads him to less dependence on you and more trust in his own abilities.

6) Avoid using the childs name at the beginning of a request. Michael, you need to get get your pajamas on right now, just immediately sets his brain up for opposition. His name is a trigger that you want to avoid. Instead, say Its 8:00. What do you think happens now? If he plays a word game with you, go ahead and entertain him with it for awhile if he is the type of child who can be jollied into cooperation. Its fine to use humor with your child, even when its important that he go to bed. Levity helps people cooperate. Arbitrary treatment causes them to rebel. If he is not the type who can maintain control when you ask him What should happen now? then just say, Time for bed, Everyone! Who gets to turn the TV off tonight? Whose turn is it to turn off the lights? Who is on dog duty this week? This forwards the motion and allows the child to cooperate without the challenge of a command.

7) Pat yourself on the back when you are successful in following the steps above. Give yourself small healthy rewards as you improve. (Take a bubble bath; let your schedule have some down time in it; say no to a possible commitment, and feel good about it.)

To keep up her progress with Michael, Sharina counts on her weekly phone calls with parent coach Tina Feigal. Sharina shares her challenges and Tina helps her stay on track. Sharina notices that she is helping Michael to improve, and that their home is noticeably more peaceful. She now receives credit for the small victories as they emerge!