Mothering is perhaps the most difficult job in the world. It is such a role of extremes. On one hand, its often about second guessing yourself, guilt and constantly attempting to find balance. On the other hand, it can be the most profound growth experience, with moments of utter joy a woman can experience. Parenthood is a huge identity change for any person, but I think mothers experience this evolution more dramatically. In most families the man is the breadwinner; hence the choice (if there is one) of staying at work, reducing hours, or leaving your career tends to fall on the mother. Women carry the biological responsibilities of carrying and delivering the babies. With more research on the benefits of breastfeeding, more women are also opting to feed their babies, which in itself is a huge responsibility. We not only loose control of our bodies and hormones during the process of having babies, we feel a huge change in our roles within society.

I had never considered being an at home parent. Id never questioned not having a career. I was the first person in my blue collar family to go to college. I grew up during the time when women began really making their mark in the workforce. I was coming of age when issues like sexual harassment became household words. I watched television shows like the Cosby Show where the mom was a successful lawyer, the dad a doctor, yet they still had time to raise and be hands on parents to 5 children. I believed strongly in equal rights for women in the workforce, educational institutions, politics, and the military. I attended a college summer course to promote more women entering math and science professions while still in high school. I wrote papers in college protesting the glass ceiling, and campaigned for Equal Rights Amendments to be added to my state constitution. I was a feminist and it was a clear cut, black and white issue for me. I didnt even think Id have children; I had so many professional plans laid out for my life.

Fast forward a few years. I met a man I decided to share my life with and fell in love. He was a terrific guy who allowed me to be myself. We married and years later decided to become parents. I had every intention of going back to work full time during my pregnancy. Then I had my son. Everything changed for me the first few seconds I looked at him. When my maternity leave ended a few months later, I couldnt bear to leave him 40+ hours a week. I began working part time in a shift opposite my husband to avoid putting him in daycare. I worked a grueling shift of 5am-9am, came home and did full baby duty the remainder of the day. My husband went off to work as I came home and when he got home I was so exhausted I was usually in bed a few hours later. We kept this schedule up for 5 months and then we decided I would just quit my job altogether and be a full time at home mom.

My first glimpse of culture shock was that there is no right way for everyone to parent. While I relished in being an at home mom, I came across many other mothers who desperately missed working and felt incomplete and isolated at home all day. Then there are the mommy wars where women beat one another up and judge their particular styles of parenting. Of course, the most difficult to me was seeing the moms who desperately wanted to have the choice of being at home, but for financial reasons or lack of supportive partners did not have the choice. Either way, I definitely think mothering is challenging and tough. If there is such a thing as daddy wars, Ive never seen them. Men dont feel the need to beat one another up the way women do. Ive asked myself why that is many times, but have yet to find an answer.

As I mature into my role as a mother, Ive definitely had to rethink some of my life truths. The core values and issues I so firmly stood for. Ive accepted the fact that I am still evolving as a parent and dont expect this evolution to stop anytime soon. I now realize that life is not fixed, that issues are complex and gray areas are often the norm. Everyday, every different age range my child experiences, brings newness and more difficult parenting decisions to make. I often have to step back and evaluate how I am doing things and attempt to impartially evaluate myself as a parent. I take the job very seriously and I am all about rising to the challenges. My husband and I approach our sons upbringing like a business partnership where we are both involved and foster the nurturing of this little human.

I still consider myself a feminist; yet I find that I really dont like the use of the term. To many people, it looses meaning of equality but brings to mind a stereotype of a bra burning man hating butch female. Ive learned that women are different and there is no one size fits all policy to be developed for men and women. I support special treatment for women who are pregnant and nursing in the job world. Everyone feels pregnancy in different ways, but if you go through months of nausea you are going to need to leave your desk more often than a male counterpart. If you are nursing, you need space to express milk at work. I wish as a society we could progress to allow paternity leave for all fathers in the workplace. Im all about policies and programs that provide quality affordable childcare for working parents. I think its great that more men are becoming at home dads, yet I am secretly glad I am the one who gets to be at home with our son in my own family. I do have a large amount of respect for my husband who is a breadwinner, but I also see him as more of man for stepping up so gracefully to this position. When I see women in high power positions such as politics or CEOs, I do find myself wondering all the costs and sacrifices they must have made in their family/private lives to get where they are at. I do not automatically have this sense of wonder for men in similar high power positions. Its a double standard. Im aware of it. I realize more and more women are opting for military careers and going into combat zones now. Yet, I find it tragic when I hear of children whose moms are deployed for months at a time. I wonder when the war in Iraq is over what the long term consequences will be for these kids who had to send not only dad but also mom off to war. Although this is a horrible fact, there are men who abandon their children all the time. Yet, when I hear of a mom who has lost custody of her kids I feel it is a more severe circumstance. I try to put myself in her shoes, yet I can not. As a mother, I can not understand the concept of not being totally devoted to your children. Before I had children I was adamantly pro-choice. While I still feel abortion should be a legal option, Im happy Ive never been in a position where I have to consider a fetus a choice.

Finally, although I firmly believe women should have the opportunities to thrive in their careers as much as men, I resent being looked down on because I have opted to leave the workforce for a few years to raise my children. I am resentful that its so challenging to live on one income in a two income society where the costs have risen and wages have not kept pace. I sometimes wonder if the feminist movement has really helped us when its put us in a position that we must defend a choice of not working outside the home. Or that so many women fail to even have a choice. Recent statistics say 70% of women are now working outside the home, and many of these are doing it because of financial pressures. I see a tremendous amount of pressure on women to have it all. At the risk of sounding pessimistic, I do wonder how one really has it all. What sacrifices have to be made to have your cake and eat it too? As more and more women enter the workforce and families live further apart than in previous generations its becoming more commonplace to use institutionalized daycare centers versus having a family member look after them. Women are also waiting until later in life to have kids, so often times grandparents are not healthy or well enough to be caregivers for the children. What I find concerning about these demographics is we loose the concept of a village taking care of our children and more and more we are contracting out our lives to institutions. Many women today are sexually dead after they have children. They dont feel like being wives at the end of the day. The divorce rate is higher than its ever been. While this could be viewed as a sign of liberation to women that they are no longer stuck in unfulfilling marriages, statistics of single motherhood reflect this is a very difficult road for most women and children being raised in these households.

Far too many women are too busy competing to be supermom or trying to live up to societys expectations of motherhood instead of relaxing and enjoying the precious moments of the mothering. For some women they find themselves guilt ridden if they are unable or dont desire to breastfeed. For others, the guilt comes because they must work outside the home. Many at home mothers feel guilty that there children are not in academic daycares and preschools from a young age, therefore they fear their kids could be behind once they start kindergarten. Todays children have many opportunities that my generation did not have, yet todays children are stressed and overscheduled too. I think this is because so many mothers are stressed and families in general are overscheduled. We are the first generation with so many opportunities in education, the workplace, etc. Yet so many choices can be overwhelming. We are the generation of mothers who are learning to find balance and moderation. Just because we can be CEOs does not mean we necessarily want to be CEOs.