I live in a very progressive part of the world where it isn't hard to find a job... if you have the qualifications. I've learned however that it takes more than a professional portfolio, dazzling references, and a shiny appearance to make the grade in the city... it takes a fortitude of character to know what will and will not work for you.

Retail has for the most part been my forte.

Food service is probably not for me: I can't be trusted to cook for others, and especially not strangers. My culinary resume consists of grilled cheese and spaghetti for hte most part, not exactly the high calibre needed for the restaurants catering to the stars. I have a terrible memory and fare even worse with hand-eye coordination. I can't even make it home with two grocery bags and a pizza without incident, so waitressing is an unlikely choice, even in some of the slouchy diners in my neighborhood. I made the rather dubious decision to not attend college, so while I have the graphic design skills needed to get my foot in the door, I often lose out on entry level design jobs to candidates who, arguably, need the money slightly more than I do so that they can pay off their student loans. This leaves, for ambiguous characters such as myself, the wonderful world of RETAIL.

While I think of myself as a very nice, giving, and flexible person, I feel like I may not be suited to retail despite my best efforts to make a career of it. I was recently laid off at my first job outside the retail world, and I realize as I find myself combing Craigslist and trying to polish my resume to find something new to pay the rent, that the jobs I'm searching for are the ones that I least want to apply for. While this revelation has helped me understand why I'm so resistant to apply for jobs, it is only the first part of my search for the ideal field for me.

Customer service is a sticky subject for me. While I possess what I consider to be adequate people skills, I also have been in the retail field long enough to know that neither the customer nor the manager is always right. This is forbidden knowledge, and it has invariably doomed every retail job I have held. While I start off as Employee of the Month superstar fodder, I can never really keep pace and find myself quickly losing interest, especially if I detect any weakness in the business structure. At the first sign of potential conflict or violation of my personal ethics, I quickly become mutinous and rarely feel like I can rely on former employers for a solid reference even when my departure is not hostile.

I used to think that I just got unlucky with other people's management styles, but after enough resignations, unscheduling, and tongue-biting, I've come to another conclusion: Despite what managers ask for when they make a job posting, I am really just not the right candidate. Sure, I have a 'winning personality,' but try asking me that when three customers in a row ask me if we take American Express when the signs above the register, below the register, on the wall behind the register, and on the counter in front of them expressly state that we take Mastercard and Visa only. Yes, I am 'willing to learn,' but I'd really rather learn about how to do the job right than about how high the turnover rate is in your boutique. Of course I am a 'self-starter who doesn't need to be told what to do,' but if you leave me to my own devices for too long and I run out of ideas about what you'd like me to do, I'm going to get frustrated and bored, and will probably start using up your sticky notes to leave amusing and mildly inappropriate messages to your other employees.

Do I think I'm "better" than menial jobs? Of course not, otherwise I would never take them. Why then is it so difficult for me to find a job setting that suits me? I don't quite know, but I suspect it has something to do with my personal integrity. I am good at making a sales pitch when I believe in what I'm selling, but as a thrifty, cheap-chic do-it-yourselfer, it's hard for me to come up with reasons to "need" boutique luxuries like designer handbags or doggie sweaters. I love to smile and I'm very personable, but I'm not good at hiding how I feel about something.

I'll find something, I'm sure, but until then, I am waiting for the ad that says what they really mean:

WANTED:

Someone to Sell Things For My Store. I have ridiculous expectations about you, even though I haven't met you yet. I'm not paying you enough to make you want to conform to my style of management, but I am going to demand perfection and probably contradict myself several times before you get fed up and quit.

And I'll be looking for something new, that I haven't done before. That way I can hopefully get a little closer to figuring out what it is I really want to do with myself for the rest of my life.