Q. My husband and I have a problem when it comes to spending time together. He thinks we have spent time together if we have watched a movie or TV show or taken a walk together. How can we be together if we don't have any time to talk while we're together? I want to talk and find out what he is thinking and feeling. What can we do? A. WARNING!: I am about to make two sweeping generalizations. I realize the danger in doing this, but here goes anyway: In general, men get their togetherness needs met through companionship; women get their togetherness needs met through connection. Two guys can spend the day together, play racquetball and then watch a game on TV, and hardly say 10 words to each other. Yet they will report that they have had a wonderful time. Two women can spend the day together, and the only way they won't communicate is if they are mad at each other or are mother and daughter, or both. The trick is to be able to meet both needs for togetherness. The best and fastest way I have found to do this is involves three steps: 1. He makes a list of what companionship togetherness looks like to him. 2. She makes a list of what connection togetherness looks like to her. 3. Make sure the two of you do some things from each list on a regular basis. |
