Many women mistakenly believe they need to hire a private investigator or buy expensive software or surveillance equipment to catch a cheating husband. Once you familiarize yourself with the signs of infidelity, all you really need are your own eyes and ears and your personal knowledge of your mate. The key is knowing what to look for.

The information below on how to catch a cheating husband is adapted from Chapter 4 of "Is He Cheating on You? 829 Telltale Signs." This comprehensive guide documents practically every known warning sign of infidelity, including a multitude of little-known signs not listed anywhere else. It includes signs most women usually overlook, signs a private investigator is unlikely to find, signs so subtle that a cheating man wouldnt even think to cover them up; and signs which will help you pinpoint the identity of the other woman.

For your convenience, the signs of infidelity in "Is He Cheating on You?"are grouped into 21 categories so you can easily locate the signs that apply to your husband. Look through the signs, then give yourself a reasonable period of time ( up to 2 weeks) to search for clues. Watch your husband. Pay close attention to everything he says or does. While its true that some telltale signs are subtle, most are easy to spot, when you know what youre looking for. If you stay alert to whats going on, youre unlikely to miss any significant signs. Use your senses all of them.

Look at his appearance, notice his behavior. Observe any changes in his work habits and his daily routine.

Listen for uncharacteristic remarks, for things he now refuses to discuss, for names dropped, for lies or inconsistencies in what he says

Smell his person, his clothing, his car for incriminating sexual odors or unfamiliar scents.

Feel the tension in your marriage, the emotional distance. Dont be so quick to dismiss your intuition. If your gut instinct tells you something is wrong, take a closer look.

Stay Alert

Dont let a single day pass without being keenly aware of everything your husband says or does. The signs that are evident one day may be undetectable the next. Be alert to anything that appears to be a departure from his norm. Some women make a point of actively searching for telltale signs. Others feel so strongly about invasion of privacy that they only take note of readily visible telltale signs. To them, certain boundaries are not to be crossed, even for a worthy cause. If you feel uneasy about spying on your husband, do what feels comfortable to you. It helps to think of it as information gathering rather than spying. Bear in mind that sometimes the end justifies the means. The more diligently you look, the more telltale signs youre likely to find. Some women observe telltale signs but fail to recognize them for what they are. They make no connection between what they see and whats going on behind their back. Theres very little youll miss if you constantly refer to the 21 categories of telltale signs in the Special Report offered below.

Write Down What You Find

Document everything! Keep accurate records of what you find. Dont try to rely on your memory. Record your findings in a journal and keep it under lock and key. Log in the dates, times and places that suspicious incidents occur. (phone calls, absences, meetings, excuses or alibis given, names dropped, etc.) If you have everything down in black-and-white, you can analyze what youve found to see if there are patterns to his behavior. Does he have to go to the store for cigarettes or a beer around 8:30 every Thursday night? Do anonymous phone calls only arrive a half hour before or after he leaves for his weekly night out with the guys? Does he walk the dog an unusually long time the first and third Sunday of each month? Does he put on cologne to go work out at the gym? Does he wear his best suit or one of his favorite shirts only on days he calls home to say he has to work late? Patterns like these will only be evident if you carefully document the things you find.

Exercise Caution

When you find tangible, physical evidence, pay close attention to exactly where and how it was found. Be careful to put things back exactly as they were to keep from arousing his suspicion. When possible, make photocopies or take photos of love notes, phone numbers, e-mails, letters, incriminating receipts and similar items you happen to come across. Store your evidence journal in a safe place. Youll need it when you sit down and tell your husband you know about his affair. As you go about conducting your investigation, be discreet. Keep your eyes and ears open and your mouth shut. Maintain your secrecy; be careful not to tip your hand. Dont let your husband know that you suspect anything at all. Live your life as normally as you while checking your husband out. Treat him the same way you did before you began to have doubts. Otherwise, he may become suspicious. Once he gets wind that youre on to him, he may start hiding evidence or attempt to cover his tracks. As long as he doesnt know that youre suspicious, it will be easier to find out whats going on.

Dont Ask Because He Wont Tell

Continue watching your husband and the pieces of the puzzle will gradually start falling into place. A lot of his strange behavior will suddenly begin to make sense. However, you should prepare yourself for the possibility that it could take weeks before you find out the truth. During the time youre observing your husband, you may be tempted to question him about some of the things you see or hear. Youll feel an overwhelming urge to drop hints about what youve found just to let him know youre not a fool. My advice to you is dont. If you give in to these urges prematurely, youll be making a serious mistake. Keep your lips zipped and your emotions in check until you have all the facts. Timing is everything. Dont lose the advantage you have by exposing your knowledge too soon.

Restrain Yourself

It will take great effort on your part to restrain yourself as the evidence against your husband mounts Do not come right out and ask him if hes having an affair unless youre prepared to hear a lie. It usually takes solid evidence before a cheating husband will reluctantly (if ever) admit to having an affair. Even then, many men continue to lie. Ask a few discreet questions, if you must, but refrain from giving him the third degree. Continue your search for telltale signs and put your major questions on hold. Jot them down in a special section of your evidence journal. Youll get a chance to ask them later when you sit down and talk with him about his affair. Restrain yourself for now. Theres nothing to be gained by dropping hints or letting your husband know what you suspect. Reveal what you knowe only at the right time, under the right circumstances. The more information you gather about your husbands affair, the more fragile your emotions may become -- or the hotter your anger will begin to blaze. If the pain of discovery becomes too much to bear or you become too filled with rage to continue, hire a professional who can investigate from an impersonal point of view.

Build a Strong Case

Once you have solid evidence that your husband is cheating, experts agree that you should confront him with your knowledge of his affair. Make sure your case is strong and your evidence solid. It will be hard for him to deny the truth if you have things down in black and white. Thats why its so important that you keep accurate notes. Otherwise, he may try to confuse you or convince you its all in your mind. This is a common ploy of cheating husbands when confronted with evidence of their affair.

Plan Your Confrontation

When the time is right for you to confront your husband with what you know about his affair, the time, place and goals of your confrontation must be carefully planned. When you confront him, there are specific questions youll need to ask him about the affair.

A WORD OF CAUTION:

Do not jeopardize your safety searching for telltale signs. Take all necessary precautions to protect yourself and your children. If at any time you feel that you are in danger; or if your husband has aggressive tendencies, an explosive temper or has a history of violent behavior, leave the detective work to a pro. Do not put yourself or your children at risk.

2001-2004 Ruth Houston